How to manage your child's behavior while social-distancing.
We were recently celebrating my niece's birthday and the usual birthday wishes commentary was brought up. Offline, I asked my little one what would she wish for. Her response, was not surprising at this point, she wanted to see her dad and desperately wants the Coronavirus to go away. Same girl, same (on the Corona stuff).
Our family has been social distancing since the second week of March. We're quickly approaching the second week of May and my fairly easy going little girl has become a pre-teen going through PMS. Yep, that bad.
There's the whining, the regression, mood swings and meltdown over simple things. Today she was "sad" throughout her virtual class because someone "took" her answer. The general crying and calling for attention for NO REASON at all. I miss the good 'ol days of picking her up from school and asking, how's your day, only to get the response, mom, you always ask me that! *Insert face palm here*
While working from home, guiding her through her online classes, social-distancing and dealing with the general family dynamics at this time, we have adjusted like so many others. It's taking some time, but there has been progress and a serious reduction to her temper/antics.
Here are 3 techniques that have proven to change her mood and our interactions.
Talk it out: Generally speaking, my daughter and I tend to communicate fairly well. Something she's mentioned after bad tantrums and outbursts is, "Mami, I know what my brain says, but sometimes I just can't control my body." Due to social-distancing she's reverted back to her three year old self. Let me tell you, that phase sucked! It comes as no surprise that a five year old acting like a three is not a good look.
One parental action that I've always taken is, talking it out (blame that on my dad). During her meltdowns I constantly say, I'm happy to speak with you once you've calmed down. Eventually she does and we walk through what happened, what was upsetting and how we can react differently. If anyone of us is at fault, an apology is said and we move forward. Let's be honest, it doesn't happen as calmly or fluidly as described, but we do have breakthrough moments. That's key.
Now with Covid, we have each started to notice changes in our behavior and how it's affecting our dynamic. I, for one, have become even less patient than usual. Yesterday, I noticed it and later in the day talked to her about it. I mentioned how people may act slightly different or completely different during times like this. I made sure to tell her, it's not that she's doing anything wrong per se, rather, my underlying frustration has surfaced at that point. Again, I use language that a five year old can relate to.
What I have found is that she no longer is internalizing my comments or actions, but is more aware that it's momentary. One issue we started having is that she started saying that she's a bad kid and doesn't know how to behave. That was a huge red flag for me to rethink my approach in disciplinary actions. At the end of the day, she is a great kid who's learning how to act and navigate life. Most of the times, it's not that she's wrong, it's that she's learning.
Structured Flexibility: Yes, I was one of those parents proud of the structure and regimen set in place once this thing started. Fast forward two months later and, oh you want a cookie after breakfast? Get it gurl! Listen, social-distancing has taken a toll on everyone and we have to not be so hard on ourselves over, broadly speaking, inconsequential things or "norms". I may just take that advice with me post-Covid.
Our new routine goes a little something like this, tomorrow, you'll have some school work/class, playtime, one hour screen time (cough, cough), reading time, etc. None of this is in any particular order. The basic structure is provided so she knows what to expect and it minimizes any potential disputes.
Once the more traditional structure was cast aside, tantrums and meltdowns went back to five year old levels. Hallelujah!
Empathy goes a long way: As parents, it's not always easy to look at life from our kid's perspective. We're all wrapped up with the general concerns, home life balance, working from home and simply getting through the day. One of the major things that is overlooked is, this is super tough for kids too. Super tough.
My little one has been away from her father this entire time. She misses him like crazy and wants that connection. That literally hurts her heart (her words) which breaks mine. Fortunately, Sesame Street had a special on CNN to talk about the virus because she was refusing to go outside altogether. "I don't want to get the Coronavirus!" She daydreams about taking a vacation more than I do. She wants a big family vacation and party when this is all over.
Let's face it, social-distancing simply makes you want to scream. The only difference is, kids doing it is more socially acceptable. Sometimes your kid may want to scream and let it out. As cheesy as it sounds, right after the meltdown, we just hug it out. Some simple words or phrases such as, I understand, I hear you, I feel the same way do make a difference.
The silver lining of Covid-19 and social distancing is that new familial bonds can be forged. Like anything worth having, it takes some time, self-awareness and practice to make it last.
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